The Saccharine Sycophant

Thus begins the 10 Day Retirement of Soffro:

Otherwise known as the
Buffet of Worms,
LXXX, and recognized in
the world of
men
as
T. A. Price

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NOTE: The names of the persons within have been altered for purposes of privacy protection.
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PREFACE

My Sweets,

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law.

It is not without blood, not without sweat, nor without tribulation that I present unto you this portion of my magickal record. I have suffered sundry and severe woes at the mercy of the planets, and of the elements; inanition, polydipsia, enervation, indisposition, angst, all these despondencies and more were met by the manus of Mara, and lo! I yield Her handclasp, for a time, and begin to face the enemy that can never truly be defeated. A minute drop of the Elixir, then, to urge me forward unto that awaiting crown, which, sitting invisibly upon mine anticipating pate, would wed me with the Most High, and cradle my unworthy being ever so deliciously within that Royal Bride-hood.

So Mote It Be!

Love is the law, love under will.

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May 5/10:48a/ Varied pranayama; 15/15/15 and 10/30/20 (Inhalation/holding of breath/exhalation, counted in seconds) in which perspiration broke out.

I am travelling approximately 2,900 km (1,800 mi) from Michigan, and my destination is 20 minutes outside of Newport, Washington. Here I will be studying and practicing under the hospitality of Mahayana (Sanskrit: “Greater Vehicle”) Buddhists at the only Tibetan based Buddhist monastery in the west.

11:15a/In Illinois, and in asana (a steady and easy posture). Lower half of body growing numb. Will hold.
11:24a/Ida and Pingala (left and right nostrils) clear; I ought to do a little 10/30/20.
Asana painful, and lower half is completely numb. Will hold for a bit longer.
12p/ Have been in another asana; painful.
12:14p/ Exit asana.

3:20p/ Leaving Des Moines.
6p/ 1 lemon bar. With breath unhindered, and flowing through both nostrils, I do a few cycles pranayama.
6:40p/ Some anxiety arises, partly from the drive, partly from further considering the abbey. It’s all right to feel nervous, T. A.! It is a new journey!
Will stretch the legs in the cool Nebraskan air.

10p/ A few hours yet before arriving at the inn, and driving has focused the mind. Have been revolving the mantra “Om Namo Manjushriye Nama Sushriye Nama Utama Shriye So Hum” again and again through my encephalon.

May 6/8:30a/I break my fast with coffee, one egg, and a biscuit with peanut butter and honey. The purpose of recording my food intake, as tedious as it may be, is necessary; for its consumption affects not only the physical but the mental processes as well.
Breath flowing in Pingala, I perform a few cycles pranayama.
9:35a/ I pass by the beauty of Wyoming’s hills.
1:06p/ My first physical observance of mountains in waking life. I perform a few cycles of 10/30/20; slight perspiration.
7:25p/Now a few hours away from Spokane.
7:42p/ Breath flowing through both nostrils unobstructed, I perform 12-14 cycles alternate nostril pranayama; 10 seconds to inspire, 20 to expire; no perspiration.
May 7/10a/ Having broke my fast with coffee, bagel and a little egg, the splendour of Spokane’s Riverside State Park has captivated me, and I climb a rugged promontory to meditate above the frigid torrent below.

2:40p/ Have arrived in Newport, WA. Considering my position, it begins to sink in that I will be staying with absolute strangers, and I have only a sliver of an idea what to expect. Anxiety draws near. Deep breaths, T.A.! I will face this voluntary trial with a scientific attitude.

8:40p/ Have arrived at the abbey. Venerable Ponde advises: Be relaxed! Ah, and she is right, although it has been slightly stressful learning the way of the Buddhists. A Venerable (an ordained monk or nun; blast my memory for not remembering her name) has lead a meditation in The Chapel where I am joined by my fellow lay-people, and they seem to be quite familiar with the system. Accompanying me are Jasper, Ramiro, and Sabrina. I am to bunk with Jasper and Ramiro in the men’s wing, and have been given mine own bed and desk for the remainder of my stay. Sabrina has been helpful in regards to following the system here. Her kind nature will be further appreciated, no doubt.

The daily schedule here is (for the most part) rather simple to comprehend. The practitioners hold silence from 8p to 7a. Having just arrived, I have not had ample time to ask my sundry questions. It will take time to acclimate; I already feel like an outsider.

During the entirety of this first meditation session, I sate in Padmasana (full lotus posture). As the 1 hour mark neared, the asana became extremely painful. The body and lungs trembled, and it seemed as though I would hop about the floor. Various prayers and mantras were uttered as a group; some of these I knew, but the majority were unfamiliar to me.

As the evening now winds down, I wash the face and perform a few cycles pranayama before bed. Aum!

May 8/7:05a/Have arisen at 5a and walked to the Meditation Hall. At the front of the hall is a long altar adorned with a large, radiating statue of Shakyamuni Buddha that glimmers in pure gold. A Venerable leads the entirety of the abbey-goers in a meditation; it is an exceptional sight, being surrounded by Venerables whom are enswathed in robes of pure vermilion.

Will break my fast at 7:30a.
2p/ Have broken fast with an apple, rice, kale, tomato and tofu. Offering service (chores which give rise to contemplative gratitude and inspiration) consisted of weeding the garden for a few hours. It is odd; even the animals seem to be at peace here. Whilst weeding, a chipmunk approached Jasper and I, calmly abiding before scurrying off into the undergrowth.
2:10p/ A few cycles pranayama, 15/15/15. Back sore from driving, meditative posture, weeding, &c. More offering service in 20 minutes. Aum! Let it fill me!
4:05p/ Have been in the forest, chopping tree limbs.
4:40p/ Have bathed rather quickly; they are all about preservation here.
5:11p/ Studying Venerable Abbess’ book in which she states, “Practising Dharma means transforming the mind”. Will silently abide before medicine meal, known here as an informal snack- time.
8:20p/ For medicine meal, hath consumed 2 pieces peanut butter toast with crackers. Have completed a stabilizing meditation after Chinese chanting; an excellent meditation on the clear mind in which phenomena arise. Will study from the Abbess’ book before lying down to rest. May I awaken with increased fervour!

May 9/Have arisen at 5a to meditate on the breath and rebirth. Now 7:o5a, I note that the meditations in The Chapel (other than offering service) are the most physically demanding.
7:30a/ I break fast with beans, cottage cheese, an apple, raisins, prunes and carrots.

8:30a/ Mantra: Om Namo Manjushriye Namo Sushriye Nama Utama Shriye So Ha.
1:38p/ Offering service (O.S.) included cleaning various parts of the Abbey, vacuuming and weeding. My prana feels feverish.
Have consumed beans, dairy + meat free pot pie, an apple, and peaches with water. Very much needed, and I feel restored.
4:24p/ O.S. consisted of kitchen duty. Will do a few cycles pranayama now.
4:53p/ Pranayama, 15/15/15, the lungs trembling comfortably. Studying various Buddhist scriptures. “Bodhicitta is thought intent on enlightenment.”

“Since all the calamities, fears, and sufferings in the world have arisen from self-clinging, what have I to do with that great demon?”
-Santideva

8:52p/ Have meditated from 7p to 8:20p; asana extremely painful, though pushed on, because I am a man and have decided to. Now, some study before bed.
May 10/5a/ Have arisen; a quick swash to the face, and I make my way to the Meditation Hall as the tangerine sun splashes light through rolling hills of malachite. The meditation here was on impermanence and dissatisfaction. Studying “The Peacock in the Poison Grove” until breakfast.
12:12p/ O.S., in a tree, yet again lopping tree limbs. Lunch cannot come soon enough; I perform pranayama to help calm the appetite. They eat like birds here!
Many of the Venerables are thin, but not gaunt. I take notice that many, too, seem to have a protruding vein on the left bicep. This appears to be a physical quality of various monks and nuns in all systems, and there may be something more to this.
4:04p/ Have attended Puja, a twice-a-month ceremony honouring Lama Tsongkhapa and the Venerable Abbess. It is during this ritual that monastics don their saffron robes.
5:22p/ I break my fast with spinach, yogurt, cottage cheese, cabbage, tomato, beans, and peanut butter toast with vanilla tea. The combinations of food here may seem rather odd, but I am beginning to understand that they mingle not for taste, but for the nutrients contained therein.
8:16p/ Unexpectedly, the Venerable Abbess herself has arrived back at the abbey from her travels in Europe, and is giving a teaching in Ananda Hall.
9p/ I snack on a couple crackers with tea in the dining hall. In the men’s wing, Jasper and I quietly discuss how we constantly change, yet our experiences seem solid. We perceive the actions and speech of others to be permanent, when we know that they are not.
J. has been here for about 3 months now, and he is heavily considering undertaking precepts, or monastic vows. From what I understand he is here from Alaska, taking time away from his work as a crab fisherman to nourish the higher aspirations.
He is wise for his age; and it would be wise for me to get a bit of rest.

May 11/5a/Have awoken from a restless slumber. Ramiro, when asleep, reminds me of a jet engine preparing for take off. Nevertheless I recall a dream that depicted the unveiling of buried treasure, and undoubtedly this is a sign from my inner self that I am on the path to unearth the High Wisdom.
Now 7:10a, have meditated with Venerable Simkey in The Chapel, noting that this has been the least painful meditation therein, and I did not shift my asana even once. Perhaps slowly I am mastering padmasana. Now, I study Yi-dams (deities) before breakfast.
1:39p/ Have consumed peanut butter toast, watermelon, white rice, and mixed veggies with plain noodles.
Afternoon O.S. consisted of— drum roll please!—sawing tree limbs. Moreover, whilst my attention was focused on discussion with Venerable Tsopal, the right hand slipped, and the saw sliced a gnarly wound into my left forefinger. Venerable Jugum has patched me up, having been a medical assistant prior to ordaining as a Buddhist nun.
5:40p/ Have redressed my wound, breaking fast with a pb & j, animal crackers and chex mix. Will attend the Venerable Abbess’ teaching at 6p.
8:18p/ With a sore back, I have returned from the teaching, and I note one of my tendencies.
I seem to push myself a little harder in asana during the teachings in Ananda Hall. I can see nobody else sitting in padmasana, which is strange to me, since the Buddha is depicted in this posture exclusively. It seems I am the only one imitating this.

May 12/5:04a/ Have arisen from a dream in which I was on the telephone with His Holiness; and yet, there was much distracting me from speaking with him.
4:39p/ O.S. in the forest. For lunch I consume greens, asparagus, fruit, and rice with mixed veggies. I should do at least 10 cycles pranayama to ease the functions.
8:26p/ Have returned from meditation and chanting. Blast, would do those 10 cycles now though pingala is obstructed, and no doubt from the pollen filled woods.
Broke fast with blueberry bagel and apple. I will now take tea and crackers before studying myself to sleep.
It should be here mentioned that no food or drink is allowed to be taken anywhere throughout the abbey. The privilege of eating and drinking is destined to the dining hall, and the dining hall alone. The exception of course must be the Abbess, for she is frightfully busy co-writing a book with H. H. the Dalai Lama, and deserves to have some goddamn Oreos in her quarters!

May 13/5:04a/ Rising from a restless sleep, I splash the face and brush the teeth, the mantra “Om Tare Tutare Ture Soha” ringing in my encephalon. Before bed last night, J. presented me with a rosary, a device for counting breaths/mantra. This I humbly accepted, and plan to use accordingly.
8:14a/ After meditating, I break my fast with yogurt, cottage cheese, a rhubarb muffin, beans, and bran-flakes with tea.
1:40p/ After an O.S. of planting flowers and uprooting grass, I consume 1 slice cheese pizza, greens, 1 small apple and 1 small piece peanut butter toast. The stomach still craves food, and I must wait until medicine meal.
8:21p/ Have returned from what you could definitely not call a meditation in The Chapel. Allow me to explain.
Some of the meditations are preceded by singing versions of certain praises and hymns to the Buddhas. Venerable Logong, who was leading the meditation, seemed to have a difficult time holding his voice in pitch and tune with these songs. Sabrina and J., noticing this, began chuckling, leaving me to be the only one ‘singing’ along with Logong.
For an hour we sate, our wills fighting our bodies, thinking of naught else in the universe but the roaring laughter that swelled within us during a time dedicated to the symphony of silence. Every part of my being strained to keep from laughing; I closed the eyes, clenched the jaw, and came to a point where I resorted to pinching mine own leg.
As soon as the hour was up, we prostrated ourselves with unquestionable haste. J. and my good self waltzed our childish rumps up to the men’s wing to bury our faces in our pillows and cachinnate like buffoons; and we could only imagine how Sabrina was handling it.

May 14/5:02a/ On this day 22 years ago, the birth of the man T.A.
7:10a/ Returned from meditation.
8:30a/ O.S.: Mowing the lawn amidst the scent of blossoming trees and the buzzing of plump bumblebees.
1:50p/ Have consumed a prune, oats, cottage cheese, 1 apple, 1 slice peanut butter toast, rice and stir fry, spinach, and 1 chocolate nut cookie which I have made from scratch in the kitchens earlier. I am still perceiving the sensation of hunger, though I did not wish to fill a second plate out of respect for the Venerable Abbess, who now sits only inches away to my right during our meals.
I will now study after a little pranayama before O.S.
8:20p/ O.S.: chopping wood. I am told that I must rise even earlier on the morrow’s morning to undertake the 8 Mahayana Precepts, and I learn now that there is only one meal for the entirety of the day. Pranayama, nauli kriya, and uddiyana bandha are a must, then, to curb the appetite. O.S. should be a breeze, I expect!

May 15/4:45a/Have arisen and taken the vows of the 8 Mahayana Precepts as the Lady Moon cycles to New. These 8 Precepts are:

1. Not to kill, even insects.
2. Not to steal (Not to take what is not offered).
3. Not to engage in sexual contact.
4. Not to lie.
5. Not use intoxicants: alcohol, tobacco and drugs (except for medicinal purposes).
6. Not to eat at wrong times.
7. Not to sit on high, expensive beds or seats with pride. Avoid sitting on animal skins.
8. Not to wear jewelry, perfume, or makeup; and not to sing, dance, or play music with attachment.

7:15a/Have returned from meditation, and I note that the mind is slowly turning in towards itself. Gravity (which was working against us upon arrival) is now beginning to work for us.
1:04p/ Have returned from an O.S. of lopping tree limbs, which was more cumbersome than expected on a day with much less fuel. I break my fast now with salad, beans, chai tea, a brownie, cheese, and tofu. Will now hold my fast for 18 or so hours.
5:38p/ More O.S.; hauling wooden posts under the scorching sun, which blazes brilliantly behind a welkin of woolen blue.
8:19p/ Have returned from an excellent meditation on the precepts. I now write a letter to the Venerable Abbess as a formal query, hoping that she may meet with me for a 1-on-1 conversation before my departure.

May 16/5:02a/Rising from a dream filled sleep, I make my way to the Meditation Hall.
7:07a/ Have performed a death meditation in The Chapel.
I imagined myself to be mauled by a mountain lion, and during this savage depiction I was able to look into its eyes, understanding in that moment that the beast acted out of a necessity to eat. Speaking of which, will break 19 hour fast in 20 minutes. AUM! Let it fill me!

8:19a/ Have broken fast with yogurt, beans, potato, 1 apple, 1 bagel, and bran-flakes with prunes. I am told that once a month, the Lay-people (uninitiated aspirants) receive one exemption from the daily Offering Service. A spot of luck, then, for that day is today.
So now I will go for a leisurely stroll; no hurry, no place to be.
9a/ The top of a grassy hill, and the view is simply exquisite.
Rolling mounds of emerald protrude from the earth like youthful breasts, yearning for the invisible stars to suckle for a delicious span of prolonged eternity.
I sit, and begin a little to meditate. I am most grateful to all the monastics of the abbey for viewing me as one of their own.

1:55p/ Have broken fast with beans, greens, tofu, and angel hair pasta; will keep the body feeling hungry as to show my dominion over the physical mechanism.

Immediately after lunch, the Venerable Abbess approaches me. She’s received my letter and has agreed to meet with me now.
Due to her extensive 20+ year experience of Dharma (cosmic law & order of the Buddha), I ask her my most pressing questions, doing my best to refrain from treating this like a popular interview. A little awkward, I suppose, for her compassion and austereness has produced within me an anxious relaxation. How confusing!
Let me put it this way; this is the most comfortable and yet nervous I’ve ever been around a living being.

As I now take my leave, I have the whole day free to do what I will.
A study of simpler texts, then, as the Venerable Abbess advises; for my time up to now has been spent studying the more advanced practices of Buddhism, such as Yi-dams, Tantra, Tummo and Powa.

3:31p/ Have packed for my flight to Michigan tomorrow; I consider my progress here.
8:17p/ Have returned from my final meditation in The Chapel; winding down now before bed.

May 17/5:02a/ Officially awake; did not sleep well due to Ramiro’s jet engine.
7:05a/ Have returned from final meditation; calming, and a much needed session.
8a/ Officially leaving the abbey. Venerable Simkey, Venerable Tsopal and Venerable Semtan are escorting me to the nearby market in which public transport will bear me the rest of the way to Spokane’s airport.

9a/ To my surprise, it appears that Venerable Simkey has a flight of her own to catch, and she will be accompanying me on this shuttle ride.
I thus pass the time in spiritual discussion with this wise nun.
I feel strange, though, coming back to the public world. Even if the events transpired in a mere 10 days, I became so focused on assimilating myself to the Buddhist ways that the ‘normal’ modes of life are seemingly queer. A boor woman, drinking diet soda and fulminating the bus’ radio-station, mentally nauseates me, and proves my point.
I perform pranayama simply.

11:o9a/ Have arrived at the airport, currently waiting for my flight at 1:09p.
Astounding! Venerable Simkey’s flight is scheduled just 3 minutes away from mine own. We sit side-by-side discussing certain yogic methods, and I explain how I believe to have begun to control the senses, thereby inducing a stage of Pratyahara, or “gaining mastery over external influences”. She thinks it probable that I was exposed to various forms of yoga in a past life, and that it has been carried over via ‘karmic tendencies’ into this present life. Possible, maybe.

1:40p/ Boarding the plane for the journey home.

It is here that I must end the record of my 10 day retirement. I now kick-back and unwind inside this metal airship, considering softly all that hath taken place; yea, all that hath taken place.